defined People have different meanings for
the word trust, like dependability, loyalty, honesty,
fidelity. The important characteristic of trust seems to be emotional
safety. That feeling of emotional safety allows us to express
our deepest feelings and fears knowing they will be handled with
care.
intimacy Trust implies some degree of intimacy.
One's ability to trust in this case would depend upon early life
experiences like upbringing, quality of our parents' relationship,
and our own experiences with establishing trust relationships.
100% trust
No one is 100% trusting or trustworthy even if they wanted to
be, and of course this may not be altogether necessary, as much
as we would like to have it so, to establish a climate of emotional
safety. We would have to know ourselves and each other 100% to
be this trusting or trustworthy.
measuring satisfaction There
may be a tendency to idealize others and compare their "perfect"
relationships to our own. We may feel satisfied with what we
have to the extent it exceeds our expectations or our handy comparisons.
judgment or perfectionism The flip side of "perfectionism"
is "judgment", sitting in judgment of others to the
extent that confirms our reasons for feeling dissatisfied with
our own interpersonal relationships. A failed relationship of
trust may not be a breach of trust when there never was trust,
or the potential for it, but simply a bad choice of people to
trust, not bad faith.
our choices What is important in failed relationships
is to examine the cause of your poor choice or expectations and
how to avoid this in the future.
To cultivate trust in another, it is
important that both sides communicate that the relationship has
a priority, something they want to invest in the relationship
for their own benefit and for the other's benefit.
This may involve the willingness to do
things for each other, spending time together, making personal
sacrifices on the other's behalf, being consistent. Self-disclosure
is part of it, because sharing what's inside, pretty or not,
is the ultimate act of faith in another
trust response Say, "Sounds like your upset. Why
don't we talk about it?" instead of "I had a rough
day too". (Stay with discussing the problem, don't
try to solve it. More than a solution people want an ear).
betrayal
Betrayal usually means that someone has made a promise and broken
it. But we may feel betrayed when no deal was ever made. We may
have wanted or expected something from another, but that other
person never agreed to give it. When expectations are unconscious,
uncommunicated, unrealistic, unreasonable, we can feel we've
been betrayed when in fact we haven't been.
unreason Believing
if someone's your friend they should be able to read your mind;
that good friends rarely disagree; that one's feelings about
another shouldn't change over time.
expectations Write down what you expect from
the other, including both tangibles and intangibles, like independence,
emotional support, etc. When feelings of "betrayal"
arise, ask yourself: "What did I expect that I didn't get?
And, "Is it OK to expect it?"
acknowledgement This is
a recap of the main ideas published in PSYCHOLOGY TODAY,
"How do you build intimacy in an age of divorce?" by
Caryl S. Avery, May 1989
